It’s been a hell of a week for the LGBTQ community, seeing how their rights are being trampled by the literal Worst Fucking People on Earth. First, President Trump responded to Republican lobbyists who wanted the White House to prevent the Pentagon from paying for gender reassignment surgeries and hormone therapy for service members. Trump issued this tweet

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Oops, that’s the wrong tweet. I meant these.

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Wait… these tweets, which essentially say that transgendered people can’t fight for us, are from the same guy who promised he was going to fight for them? I’m confused… you know what? I’m just going to assume that first tweet was fake news put out by the very, very dishonest media.

That’s right. Trump, with approval ratings somewhere between that of a Bertucci’s fart in a hot Mini Cooper and an OJ Simpson/Jar Jar Binks sex tape, needs friends. Trump, whose press these days is more Russian-themed than a Yakov Smirnoff stand-up set at a Tetris tournament, is attempting to appeal to the one group in his dwindling base that he can count on: the bigots.

“The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach. A liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity.” That was part of the majority statement from the Supreme Court when same-sex marriage was legitimized in 2014.

Trump of course has a different interpretation of the Constitution, one that can be summarized with a simple “fuck you.” Instead of acquiescing to bar funding for medical services, which would have been bad enough, Trump outright banned these people from military service altogether.

Trump cited the “burden” of costs. Putting aside the fact that the military covers Viagra, which costs the armed forces 5 times what transgendered services do, if Trump were truly concerned about burdensome costs, there are far better corners to cut.

President Obama requested that many “wasteful” military bases, of no discernible strategic value, be closed. It would have saved $2 billion a year, but the GOP-controlled congress shot the idea down. What about the $640 million direction, in a clause in the Federal Budget inserted by Mississippi senator Thad Cochran to build a Coast Guard cutter in, you guessed it, Mississippi–despite the fact that the Coast Guard said they did not need one? Then there is the $454 million annual cost of maintaining the prison in Guantanamo; $2.7 million per year per prisoner. Trump has made it clear he has no intention of shutting it down.

The cost of transgendered services for service members is somewhere between $2.4-8.4 million per year. Just six months into his presidency, Trump has already played golf 40 times, which has cost taxpayers over $48 million.

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That’s to say nothing of his tennis matches, but thanks to this optic, it’s best to go Eternal Sunshine that shit out of your brain.

Trump’s ban on transgendered service members (which, by the way, was so poorly articulated and timed that some in the Pentagon believed Trump was declaring war on North Korea) rightly outraged many. It was almost immediately followed by Jeff Sessions’ DOJ filing stating that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 doesn’t extend to LGBTQ citizens. Yes, a cynical and unpopular piece of shit was followed up by an even worse piece of shit. It’s like the DC cinematic universe, only it crushes lives, rather than Ben Affleck’s spirit.

Listening to Jeff Sessions interpret the Civil Rights Act is like listening to Lance Armstrong talk about good sportsmanship or Bill Cosby talk about first date etiquette.

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The trick is pudding, you see. For example, I’m always pudding things in the ladies’ drinks. Zip zop zoobity bop.

Sessions, who looks like Gargamel knocked up Smurfette, is anti-LGBTQ. I’m not sure why. It could be that he’s an evil leprechaun that resents their use of the rainbow. That seems more likely than some sort of misguided sense of morality, because as far as I can tell, Sessions wouldn’t know morality if it bit his dick off.

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Pictured here is either Sessions or the leader of the Nazis in The Blues Brothers

Jeff Sessions lied under oath. First, he said he had no contact with Russian officials, but it later came out he had met with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak twice in 2016. Sessions then repeatedly lied about the lie. He did meet with Kislyak, he admitted, but did not discuss the Trump campaign or potential future policies regarding Russia. However, intercepted reports from Kislyak to Moscow indicate that Sessions indeed had substantial discussions about such issues. Sessions also “recused” himself from all matters relating to the Russian investigation in March, then two months later urged Trump to fire James Comey, the man Trump (allegedly) repeatedly pressured to drop the FBI’s Russian investigation. Jeff Sessions recuses himself from the investigation the way a hungry stoner recuses himself from a box of Swiss Cake Rolls.

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But I could be wrong. I am, after all, addicted to snorting the marijuana and that’s pretty much the same as heroin, right Jeff?

In 2016, the NAACP issued this statement about Sessions. “Senator Sessions was denied appointment as a federal judge in 1986 for a slew of racist comments, including calling the work of the NAACP and ACLU ‘un-American.’ He has also repeatedly spoken out against the federal Voting Rights Act.” Over the years, Sessions has buckled his curly shoes on and climbed out of his Cookie Tree to offer up such pearls of wisdom as “Organizations like the NAACP force civil rights down the throats of people.” (To be fair, Sessions says he doesn’t remember saying this. I could fill a Russian novel with things Jeff Sessions doesn’t remember saying) and “I thought those guys [the Ku Klux Klan] were OK until I learned they smoked pot.” Here, Sessions said he was joking. The only thing funny about it is imagining the shitstorm that would have erupted if Loretta Lynch had quipped, “Hitler was fine by me until I learned he abused amphetamines.”

Sessions’ allies point to his history as a lawyer who took many civil rights cases, but aside from his tendency to credit himself for others’ work in Civil Rights cases, this isn’t exactly accurate. What he has done instead is to wage war on the Civil Rights of LGBTQ Americans and minorities. “Since taking office, Sessions has rescinded Obama-era guidance on discrimination against trans students and announced his intention to end the civil-rights division’s aggressive oversight of police departments, even seeking to rescind a court-monitoring agreement overseeing police in Baltimore.”

Sessions has apparently made it his life’s work to oppose voter rights. Despite mountains and mountains and mountains of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Sessions claims that in the south “people aren’t being denied the vote because of the color of their skin.”

Sessions, with the face of a geriatric gelfling and the heart of a skeksis, has called the voting rights act “intrusive,” but incongruously doesn’t see any problem with Voter ID laws, even though it’s pretty clear such requirements disproportionately negatively affect minorities and the poor.

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Pictured: A symbol of Pride is held by a symbol of shame.

It’s always been clear the Trump Administration is hostile to LGBTQ rights. Mike Pence spent his career fighting marriage equality, opposed the ending of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, fought laws that would end discrimination based on sexual orientation, rejected Obama’s directive that schools allow students to use the bathroom designated for whatever gender they identified themselves as, and once warned that gay couples “signaled societal collapse.”

So far this administration has claimed that it’s OK for schools that receive federal funding to discriminate against LGBTQ students, or so says Betsy DeVos, Trump’s Secretary of Education, whose family has donated to Focus on the Family and other anti-LGBTQ organizations. They removed LGBTQ content from White House website the day after inauguration. They are revoking equal access to facilities for transgendered students. They sent two anti-LGBTQ groups to represent the US at the UN’s Commission of the Status of Women, and one of said groups has been deemed a “hate” organization by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

In March, Trump picked Roger Severino to lead the Office of Civil Rights at the Department of Health and Human Services. Severino has made a number of bigoted, anti-LGBTQ comments and has fought tirelessly against same-sex marriage.

This administration revoked the Fair Pay and Sage Workplaces Act, further increasing the vulnerability of LGBTQ and female workers. They’ve stripped questions regarding orientation and gender identity from the 2020 census, likely to obfuscate the truth of how many LGBTQ people there are in America. And of course, Trump continues to flatter Putin, who is even now presiding over the sending of gay Chechens to concentration camps; hundreds of people have been arrested, tortured, killed, or turned over to family members (who are encouraged to kill gay kin).

These are just a few examples of how the administration of this unctuous, buffonted human bagpipe has made good on his promises to fight for LGBTQ community. And we’re only six months in.

There’s some hope, I guess. The military has refused to execute Trump’s prejudiced decree until they receive “formal guidance,” many advocacy groups have already voiced intent to challenge his ban in court, and even Republican ogre Oran Hatch has gone on record saying that the US shouldn’t discriminate against anyone and that “transgendered people are people.”

When both Oran Hatch and Bernie Sanders tell you how fucked up your views are, you’re either 1. the only human not replaced by body-snatching aliens, or 2. Actually just one of the worst fucking people on Earth.

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It’s an exclusive club.
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